Definitely Worth the Trouble
by D'Arvit Tyranny
Summary: ... to read this fic. Find out what happens when Trouble Kelp asks Holly out for lunch. If he'll EVER get through to asking her in the first place, that is. Expect ample cheese, corn, and torture.
1. See Trouble In Torment

DEFINITELY WORTH THE TROUBLE  
  
--------------------------------------------  
  
A/N: Before we start: A quick thanks to all the peeps who've reviewed 'Flying'... *hugs them* And please don't forget review this one once you're through. It's QUITE different from 'Flying', if you've read that one. NOW, hold on to your stomachs, and...  
  
Here we go!  
  
- D'arvit Tyranny  
  
[Disclaimer: I hereby disclaim owning/selling/etcetering anything Artemis Fowl. They're all property of Eoin Colfer.]  
  
~ CHAPTER 1 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
SEE TROUBLE IN TORMENT  
  
Holly Short and Trouble Kelp walked across the street together in an uncomfortable silence – uncomfortable for Trouble because he believed himself to be taking Holly out on a date; uncomfortable for Holly because she had a dreadful wedgie but was too dignified to pick it out with her fingers.  
  
It was lunch hour. Holly and Trouble were heading to Dacheepo Diner, which was just across the street from the Police Plaza. The restaurant was a popular lunch spot with officers for its low-priced, passably edible menu items. But, as Trouble initially failed to realize, Dacheepo was not the best place to woo women.  
  
Earlier that morning, Trouble, after much inner debate for the last two weeks, asked Holly to have lunch with him. It went something like this:  
  
Holly sat in her cubicle, bent over a pile of paperwork, her back to the door.  
  
Trouble peeked into the room from the corridor, heart thumping like mad. He saw Holly at her desk, and quickly withdrew his head.  
  
Trouble stood with his back against the wall, hyperventilating. 'You weenie!' he thought to himself, 'You've taken on hoards of goblins, rabid trolls, and armed Mud Men before. In comparison, this should be a piece of pie.'  
  
He peeked into the room again, saw Holly's figure, and quickly withdrew again.  
  
'D'arvit,' he thought despairingly, 'I can't do this.' Slowly, he peeked into Holly's room again.  
  
And at that point, Corporal Lily Frond from the adjacent room decided to have a bathroom break. Needless to say, she immediately saw Trouble hovering around Captain Short's doorway. Trouble jumped when Lily's door banged shut.  
  
Heart accelerating tenfold, Trouble gaped at Lily, remembered his head was still in Holly's doorway, and quickly withdrew his head.  
  
"Retrieval business," Trouble mouthed stiffly to Lily. She raised an eyebrow. Trouble felt his face turning purple with humiliation and suppressed a scream. Lily was unable to hide her amusement any longer. She decided to pull a Cupid.  
  
"Why, Captain Kelp!" Lily exclaimed loudly, stepping forward and taking Trouble's arm in a secure grip, "How are you? Such a pleasure to see you here! You don't come to this department of the LEP often, do you?" As Lily rambled, she whipped out a comb and began straightening Trouble's hair, much to his further discomfiture. "I heard about how you captured the gang of goblins that escaped from Howler's Peak last week." She straightened Trouble's uniform. "The goblins were armed with Softnoses and your team was outnumbered twelve to six! Amazing! You are soooooo brave, Captain Kelp," she cooed sickeningly, tucking in his shirt, "If I was in your position, I probably would've called a retreat and flown off back to HQ to organize reinforcements."  
  
At this, Holly snorted from her desk. Trouble broke out in cold sweat and his muscles tensed in apprehension. But Holly did not turn around. Lily whipped out a handkerchief and wiped his temple dry. "My, you're looking swell today, Captain. Meeting your girl after work? No? Don't have a girlfriend yet?" Lily opened his jaw and gave his breath a quick spray. "I'm sure you don't have to look very far! Why, I'm surprised not every female officer is falling head over heels for you. You're highly admired, you know that? Captain of LEPRetreival One. All the other guys are insanely jealous of you." Lily checked his cuticles for lint. "Here to see Commander Root? No? Captain Short? Well, I won't bother you any longer, Captain Kelp. Haveaniceday!" And with a final spray of cologne, Lily pushed Trouble into Holly's room and closed the door.  
  
In the corridor, Lily Frond giggled, punched the air, and skipped away to defile Haven's water supply with caffeine-tainted urine.  
  
Trouble stumbled, coughing and smelling pungently of Moonlit Mystery, into the cluttered cubicle. Holly swivelled around in her chair.  
  
Seeing Holly, Trouble seized his throat and coughed even harder. He seemed to have swallowed his tongue.  
  
Holly waited. When the coughing failed to subside, Holly stood up, grabbed Trouble's head with one arm, his torso in the other, and bent him over her knee. The convulsion stopped.  
  
In his head, Trouble screamed.  
  
Straightening, Trouble cleared his throat and said hoarsely, "Thanks."  
  
Holly shrugged. "You're welcome. You wanted to see me, Captain Kelp?"  
  
Mental meltdown. Trouble's mouth went dry, and flushed purple again. Thoughts scrambled about higgledy-piggledy in his brain. 'Just ask her, you weenie! Get it over with!'  
  
"Yes... I-" Trouble struggled, "About the B'wa Kell incident report you filed yesterday..."  
  
He felt his conscience give him a painful kick in the medulla oblongata.  
  
"What report?" Holly asked, perplexed.  
  
"Oh! Never mind... That wasn't you. Just remembered. Heh heh..." he trailed off sheepishly. Holly was still staring at him. Trouble clutched his head in his hands and mouthed a big 'O' at the ceiling.  
  
Holly was duly concerned. "Would you like to sit down, Captain?" She motioned to her chair. "You seem stressed. Is Commander Ash overworking you again?"  
  
Trouble waved his arms about agitatedly, dropped them, and then looked Holly in the face. "Want to have lunch with me, Holly?" he spurted.  
  
"Okay," Holly replied, slightly bewildered, "Where are we going?"  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Three floors below, in the operations booth, Foaly the centaur laughed manically, sprayed the monitor with flecks of wet carrot, pounded his fists against a control panel, and accidentally activated a shiny, red button.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
In a room at the forefront of the Recon complex, the lights dimmed, sleeping gas seeped through minute holes in the walls, Julius Root dropped his cigar, fell into a lifeless slumber, and an erie, hypnopaedic voice told him in resonant repetition to give Foaly a forty-percent raise.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Two hours later, Holly and Trouble were crossing the street to Dacheepo Diner.  
  
Trouble held the door ajar for Holly. She walked in without looking at him. He followed nervously, trying to act cool and trying to read Holly's face.  
  
The restaurant was just as crowded as usual, much to Trouble's dismay. He looked around. His friends from Retrieval were already eating and laughing raucously at their usual place, table six. Trouble quickly turned his back to them. Another thought germinated. Since the place was so crowded, he and Holly could probably hide in a corner and not be-  
  
"Hey! Trubs!" an all-too familiar voice called out, "Come see the fly swimming around in my soup!"  
  
'D'arvit,' Trouble thought, grimacing, 'I knew I should have brought my foil cam.' He pretended he did not hear Grub calling, and began looking around for a table far, far away from table six. Unfortunately, Holly heard Grub.  
  
"Your brother, Captain Kelp," she said, pointing, "he's calling to you."  
  
Trouble, thankfully, was spared an answer, for at that moment Marigold Dacheepo, daughter of the restaurant manager, asked them how many people would be dining.  
  
"A table for two, please," Trouble said, his face purpling again, and trying not to see the Retrieval boys out of the corner of his eye.  
  
There was a sudden hush at table six. Grub stood up on his chair to see better over the crowd. He stared at his brother and Holly, a bit of seaweed dangling from his open mouth. Trouble practically pushed Holly to the table in the corner Marigold was clearing. 'Note to self,' he thought furiously, 'pummel the guts out of Grub tonight and then mind-wipe the whole team.'  
  
Trouble picked up a menu, hid his head behind it, and chanced a quick glace at table six. Grub was still standing on his chair.  
  
'D'arvit,' Trouble swore.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 


	2. See Trouble In Further Torment

~ CHAPTER 2 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
SEE TROUBLE IN FURTHER TORMENT  
  
Holly Short was not the kind of fairy who was picky about their food. She did not usually leave the Recon complex for lunch. Most days, she would simply run downstairs to the Shake Express machine, and gulp down an atrociously over-priced Walnut Delight Complete Meal Replacement, or take one to go for the chutes. The Police Plaza kitchens made these shakes itself. They were formulated by expert nutritionists, and each shake had just the right amount of vitamins, minerals, polyunsaturated fats, monosaccharides, amino acids, nucleic acids, and caffeine to keep officers vigorous and vigilant for the whole day.  
  
Holly hated them. They had a disgustingly bland, synthetic taste, and the artificial flavourings did not help mask the whole chemicalness. But Holly was not picky about food. Plus, they were quick and convenient, and Root always made sure the 'girlie' was kept busy. Today, Holly wondered vaguely why Root did not bombard her with work before lunch.  
  
Sitting across from Trouble in Dacheepo, Holly flipped through a worn-out menu, anticipating a more decent meal. As she turned to Appetizers, the booklet fell apart completely. The pages fell to the tabletop, broke into pieces, and then disintegrated into dust. Holly politely asked for another menu. The dust was swept away.  
  
Holly looked at Trouble, who was still hiding adamantly behind his menu. She could only see his ears, and they were a violent violet. Marigold came over with iced water and asked to take their order.  
  
"I'll have the Chef's Special lunch platter, thanks," Holly decided.  
  
Marigold gave her an ominous grin.  
  
Trouble said, "Give me the volcano burger with extra wallo-lava hot sauce, and a bowl of three-bean chilli." If his throat burned up, Trouble reasoned, he wouldn't need to talk to Holly.  
  
Marigold picked up Holly's menu, tugged away Trouble's, and sidled away. Trouble took to staring interestedly at a nonexistent saltshaker. Holly sighed and attempted conversation.  
  
"Captain Kelp," she began.  
  
Trouble blurted out something incoherent.  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"Call-me-Trouble," he replied tautly in monotone.  
  
Holly heaved a silent sigh. She was not stupid. Back in the LEP building, as soon as she had heard Lily Frond mooning over Trouble by her doorway, Holly had an inkling of what was up. Holly agreed to lunch out of friendship and respect to Captain Kelp. She did not want to embarrass or crush him down like she did to most officers that fancied her. After the B'wa Kell revolt, Holly and Trouble became acquaintances. Then, after Artemis Fowl's C-Cube incident, they became friends. Holly was always aware of the fact that she was still a female Recon officer, and hoped that wouldn't change anything in their relationship.  
  
But, apparently, it had.  
  
All because she was a girl. It frustrated her. And this, Holly remembered dourly, was exactly another thing Commander Root had warned her about being a female Recon officer. At that time, Holly had snorted and told Root it would not be a problem. Now, she had to admit it was a problem. From the list of the things Holly hated most, admitting Root was right about something was just before getting stuck with a major wedgie in a public place.  
  
It felt at least two inches deep between her buttocks. She shifted in her chair uncomfortably.  
  
Not that there was anything wrong about Trouble Kelp in particular, Holly thought, looking at him. (Trouble was busy drinking iced water with his eyes closed.) Trouble was rather handsome, and he certainly was brave, fearless, and daring, among many other synonymous qualities. Holly only found him a bit pompous, sometimes taking unfair advantage of his rank and ordering corporals to do questionable things like polishing his boots.  
  
Overall, though, Holly might have liked Trouble, if Root had not pointed out she was a girl and male members of the LEP were liable to become attracted to her, resulting in broken concentration, broken tasks, broken hearts, broken bones, and god knows what else. And when it came to love interests and proving her rightness to Julius Root, the latter always came first.  
  
By this time, Trouble had finished drinking his glass of iced water, and was halfway through drinking Holly's. He kept his eyes shut tight.  
  
Holly tried for conversation again, "That Lily Frond seems quite fond of you."  
  
Trouble gulped down an ice cube whole. It slid slowly down his esophagus and melted weirdly in his stomach. He grabbed Holly's hands impulsively and his stomach was suddenly fiery hot again.  
  
Someone from table six gave a wolf-whistle. A few other guys laughed.  
  
"Please. Don't talk to me about her," Trouble said, in a constricted, nevertheless vehement voice.  
  
"I'm getting tired of this, Trouble," Holly said frankly, ignoring further whistling from table six, "It's obvious you're uncomfortable because you like me and you're taking me out-" Holly paused. Trouble was shaking his head vigorously and looking at her in the eye with a peculiar expression, like he was trying to tell her something he wasn't allowed to.  
  
"What is it?" Holly asked quietly, "Can you talk about it?"  
  
Trouble shook his head harder, realized he was holding Holly's hands, and let go.  
  
He looked furtively around the diner, cast his gaze downwards, and motioned with one finger for Holly to lean closer. She did. Barely moving his lips, Trouble breathed, "Holly, you're still just a friend to me. I don't fancy you. I like..." he flushed purple again, "Lily Frond. I lost a bet with Foaly, and now I'm supposed to take you out for lunch and then kiss you."  
  
Holly drew back promptly and gaped, speechless, at Trouble.  
  
All of a sudden, one hundred volts of direct current shot through Trouble's body. He spasmed for five electrifying seconds, and then collapsed, his face falling flat into the plate of three-bean chilli Marigold had just conveniently placed before him.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Across the street, in the operations booth, Foaly shut a silver switch to OFF, and fell back in his chair, laughing and stamping his hooves in fits of hysteria. On the monitor, Holly and Grub rushed Trouble out the diner on a set of wings.  
  
It was definitely worth the trouble to plant the microelectrodes on the inside of his uniform, Foaly thought, gasping for breath.  
  
Definitely worth the trouble.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ END  
  
A/N: Hope you guys enjoyed that! I spent the whole day ploughing sluggishly through it. If it sounds a bit funny in places, please tell me. I don't own copies of the AF books and I'm very tired today... It's spring break (no school!) and I'm still sleeping 5 hours a night. Now I'm wondering whether I should continue it. I do have ideas for further chapters, but the story seems to end nicely here too... What do you think? Please review!  
  
- D'arvit Tyranny  
  
:) 


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